We break down one wall hoping that it will be the one that has been keeping us from answers, but when the dust clears, there is another wall standing in our way. So we start to break that wall down hoping answers are on the other side, but again once we get through...another wall. Again and again, every wall we break down shows us another wall we have to get through.
With each wall it’s easy to feel disappointed that it wasn’t the wall. That we are no closer to knowing what’s wrong, how to slow it down or stop it, or even how to help ease her pain. And it gets really tempting to want to throw your hands up and quit. To feel like what’s the point if all I’m going to keep finding is walls and my baby is going to keep suffering through flare ups, procedures, surgeries and hospital visits and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
There have been many walls since Phoebe’s first results showed us something was wrong back in 2012. And there have been many times I have felt helpless and defeated having to continually face wall after wall after wall. Not knowing what’s wrong with your child or how to help them is one of the scariest feelings as a mom. All you want to do is protect your babies and keep them healthy. But when it’s out of your control, it breaks you at your core.
But it’s in those darkest moments, when you are crumbled in a ball crying and exhausted, looking back at the debris and chaos in frustration that you see it. Every wall you faced is broken down. And even though the broken walls didn’t bring you answers, treatments, plans, or anything that you’ve been waiting for, the walls didn’t stop you from trying to get to those things. It is then that the strength builds back up inside you as you face the next wall, refusing to let that one stop you either.
Insurance can deny anything they want, I will break through those walls. Doctor’s can tell us “I don’t know” as many times as they want, I will break through those walls. Treatments and medications can have no effect or adverse effects, I will break through those walls. Test results can come back showing more issues than we ever thought, I will break through those walls. Top researchers can make us wait for months for ideas, I will break through those walls. We can keep getting thrown back to square one over and over, I will break through those walls.
It doesn’t matter what walls stand in my way, I will break through them. I will continue to fight. It is personal because it is my daughter, but I will not give up if there is a chance my breaking walls can help any family going through what we are. We need answers. And I will keep going until we have answers….answers for Phoebe and for every other family affected.